Saturday, September 02, 2006

From the Vault: Matt Hardy Has No Soul

7/26/06: While the Liver Enzymes and WWE's Wellness policy has been the downfall of many a superstar over the past few weeks, let me go ahead and guess as to the REAL reason Matt Hardy is being taken off the road. Staph Infection? Bleh...

How about this...

Matt Hardy is still reeling from the effects of having NO SOUL...

It wasn't too long ago that Matt was out with an injury, and the love of his life Amy "Lita" Dumas shacked up with Adam "Edge" Copeland. The incident not only got Matt fired, it got him so unstable that the dude was pointing guns at his website visitors. What kind of weird ass family do Version 1 and the Charismatic Enigma come from anyways?

In a way, it breathed new life into Matt's career. He was the hottest free agent in wrestling.

Doors were opened and the red carpet was laid out. What did Matt do? He went back to dirty money.

Monday Night Raw, Summer of 05, Matt Hardy returns. After months of We Want Matt chants, he's here in the ring, and we aren't sure why we chanted it in the first place. Well, let's start him off with what he's worst at. Let's get that North Carolina twang on the microphone. What do you have to say Matt?

Matt Hardy: Wrestling is fake. Yeah, I went out to an injury during some bullshit sorta based on real life like story that Kane was raping my girlfriend, but in real life, she was always my girlfriend. She didn't really have sex without a rubber with Kane. Strangely enough, she did later start boning Edge though. So you can forget all that fake bullshit wrestling stuff. This is real, and I'm mad. I'm so mad, I hope Edge dies in a car accident.

(Crickets chirp)

Matt Hardy: So forget about all the pretend wrestling stuff. What's not gonna be fake is me kicking Edge's ass in a WWE ring for the next three months...

The audience has already essentially had enough of the return of Matt Hardy. But wait, Edge and Matt were both in the TLC's and shit. They can probably have good matches.

So Matt Hardy spends the rest of his summer working about as close as you can work with a former close friend who porked the love of his life. Everytime they work together, he must watch them kiss at the top of the ramp. He then proceeds to get his ass fake whooped by the person he hates more than anything in the world.

What for? Dirty money!

So now Matt is not having babies with Lita. He is watching her kiss his old friend and getting his ass handed to him weekly. But wait til you see where it goes pleads Hardy...

Edge vs. Matt Hardy. After a few weeks, Edge and Hardy have forgotten that they want to kill each other, and are instead just wrestling some matches. Hardy loses, and just leaves. He goes to Smackdown after basically conceeding that Edge is the better man, and he deserves to be porking Lita. I thought you wouldn't die Matt? Looks like you rolled over and died right there.

Well, here we go. A new lease on life. You didn't go to TNA. You decided to get fake beat up by your real life worst enemy all summer long, but you are on Smackdown now. Everyone knows you are finally going to be a big star.

Guess what: They killed off Muhammed Hassan, you are up a rung of the ladder.

Christian quit: Another rung.

Eddie died: Two rungs.

At this rate, you are going to be the champ by Wrestlemania.

Batista is hurt: Climb on Matt.

Yet somehow, even when Smackdown looked at it's bleakest, Matt Hardy was wrestling on Velocity. Was it the writing teams fault? The McMahon's fault? Who knows, and who cares.

Whether Matt Hardy gets the WWE Attitude residual pop for the rest of his life, Matt Hardy will never really be big money in professional wrestling.

Matt Hardy made his bed when he decided to return to Vince's dollars, and a year later, Edge is the WWE Heavyweight Champion and Matt Hardy is jobbing to the Cruiserweight Champion.

TNA would have probably put the freaking belt on him, as we see they have no foresight, and seem to mark as hard as their Orlando crowd.

Matt, I hope for you, that Ashley Massaro has sex with King Booker or Edge while you are gone, because that's about the only shot at main eventing you will ever have.

Lashley, Khali, and Crazy might have crazy enzymes. Kid Kash might have a bad attitude. But you sir, you have dirty money and no soul!

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