Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Daddy Phat Sacks

I didn't watch ECW last night, did you? I can't say I have any reason based in principle. I thought the old ECW was pretty cool, but even if ECW was brought back under Heyman's vision with the original wrestler I wouldn't be interested. Those workers had to constantly top themselves. If ECW was a constant product, I couldn't imagine what those guys would be doing now, and how many of them would not be able to walk anymore.

Still, for those ECW originals that remain, there is still plenty of TV time to job to guys like the Miz. On a brand full of young upstarts and broken down warriors, the biggest story of last nights ECW broadcast was the fact that WWE repackaged Viscera. Wooohooo *sarcasm*

Looking like a cross between Abdullah the Butcher, Rikishi, and Umaga, Big Vis is now known as Big Daddy V. From what I have read, Tazz and Joey Styles were not perceptive enough to indentify Mr. V as former King of the Ring winner and WWE Tag Team Champion Mabel, nor did they see any resemblance to the fat Ministry of Darkness garbage-bag wearing Viscera, nor the Pajama wearing World's Largest Love Machine.

Even when I was five I thought that commentators lost a lot of credibility when they see a wrestler repackaged who obviously looks the same and give no credit to his past. Papa Shango to Kama, let it slide. Dustin Rhodes to Goldust, no reason to mention that. Viscera to Big Daddy V? Come on now, just let the cat out of the bag already. Or perhaps let the elephant out of the room.

V was introduced as the pupil of Matt Striker. You know you are going to have a rough time as a teacher when the first student that walks in the door is a four hundred pound black man in spandex pants, suspenders, and no shirt. Now instead of really bad Striker/Boogeyman matches, we can look forward to insanely bad Boogeyman/Big Daddy V matches. That's ok though, for me-no-watchie ECW.

WWE has so many talents that need an overhaul, the most glaring example in my mind being Val Venis. I will again say what I have been saying for years. He has the look, he has the talent, he has the mic skills. Let him be something. Instead, WWE repackages Snitsky and Viscera, because apparantely they feel that Mark Henry, Umaga, and The Great Khali leaves them a bit short of their monster quota.

Big Daddy V did have a sweet match with Bobby Lashley on Raw before the draft that largely went overlooked by the internet wrestling community. Still, despite that glimmer that he might be interesting, I assume he will do the same lame offense, without that gay humping thing he used to do, coupled with being the guy that everyone has to team up on to throw out of battle royals. The main difference is now people have to touch his fat milky man tits.

How appropriate is it that on each pectoralis, Viscera has a tattoo of the moon and the son respectively. I mean, they are legit about the same size as the sun and the moon. If they produced light and heat, we would have the answer to the energy crisis. If global warming does exist and there is a hole in the ozone, we can all reside safely in the shade provided by Viscera's mammary glands. If you would like to see more of Big Daddy's fat milky man tits, please proceed to: http://www.wwe.com/shows/ecw/superstars/bigdaddyv/

Tommy Dreamer, Stevie Richards, Nunzio, and Balls Mahoney all jobbed on this show. The Miz however got a win with his cleverly named *more sarcasm* Mizard of Oz neckbreaker. Three words from the pundit? F that guy!

I would like to see Stevie Richards get an opportunity to do more, even if he is jobbing. I heard his match with Punk was good, as were the previous two encounters they had, which I think was the last time Richards got to wrestle on ECW. Apparantely his whole function is to make Punk look good. Too bad too, because there was a time where Big Stevie Cool could have been on the receiving end of that push. That will teach you to go to WCW and let them call you the "King of Swing." Now it's only a matter of time before your face winds up in between Big Daddy V's fat milky man tits.

The only question I have is, if Rikishi's move is the stinkface, what will be the name of Vis' titty smother? Nevermind, I just named it...

1 comment:

Daron Smythe said...

The show was actually very, very good. We all have to realize that this is ECW in name only. The originals are there to lend a little bit of credibility to the thing, but mostly, their jobbers to guys the WWE wants to build. In this case, I like the guys they are trying to build, so I'll forgive the WWE.

First of all, the opening segment established Viscera as a monster. No one has manhandled the Boogeyman that way. I have to admit, I think his new look is stupid. However, I also thought Umaga was stupid at first and now he's one of my favorite wrestlers.

I groaned a bit when Stevie was CM Punk's opponent, but this was their best encounter yet by far.

Elijah Burke is a star in the making.

I loved the way they used video packages to build Dreamer's title shot. Then the match itself was fantastic, save for a semi-weak finish.

I think ECW is still the best hour of pro wrestling on television and this was probably their best effort to date.