Booker T Calls Hulk Hogan the N Word

On the June 24, 1996 Nitro, Harlem Heat defeated Lex Luger and Sting to capture their fifth WCW World Tag Team Championship. Prior to defeating Luger for the title, Booker got carried away during a televised interview, calling out Luger as well as World Champion Hulk Hogan.

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Never Say Never, Oooh Yeah!

YouTube won't let us embed this one, but you can see it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJCQZW_FdLY


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Jericho Returning to WWE? Not So Fast...

I know that many wrestling fans are interested in learning of the plans for Chris Jericho in the WWE, so I couldn’t wait to make this post on the Pro Wrestling Pundit.

If the “Save Us” promos are indeed something having to do with the return of Chris Jericho, then we may be seeing them for quite some time.

Last week, Jericho appeared on the Sirius Satellite Radio Channel Howard 101 with Bubba the Love Sponge. On the show, Bubba was grilling him pretty heavily on if and when he would be returning to the WWE. Chris danced around the question quite a bit, but he did say something like, “The only thing I can tell you for sure is that I am promoting my book for the next month.”

In other words, Jericho is probably not going to be making appearance on WWE TV for a while, and when / if he does, he may start out promoting his book, similar to how Mick Foley has done in the past.

Speaking of the book, Jericho highlighted in the interview that following the Chris Benoit tragedy, he had to go back include a foreword to the book. From what Jericho said, throughout the book, he discusses his early career, friendship and other experiences with Chris Benoit, written in a very positive light. He had to go back and indicate that his writings were about the Chris Benoit he knew, or that he thought he knew.

Some other interesting points that were brought up included an altercation Jericho had with Bill Goldberg, regarding how disappointing their feud angle had become. They had words backstage and eventually Goldberg reached out and grabbed Jericho by the throat. Jericho told Bubba that instead of saying something witty or beating Jericho up, all Goldberg did was growl at him. Jericho then said he wasn’t intimidated and due to his experience as a mat wrestler in high school was able to get Goldberg to the ground and leverage him into a submission maneuver that he had seen done in an MMA fight.

Jericho also eluded to the political moves Scott Hall and Kevin Nash tried to pull when the NWO angle was brought to WWE. Solidifying their reputation for poor business skills, Jericho said Scott Hall constantly wanted to cut promos in the ring as opposed to developing angles on TV by wrestling. There was also a time when Hall, Nash, and Hogan had Jericho in a room trying to convince him to do their angle the way they wanted to do it, but Jericho said he refused. He made his points that he felt the way he wanted to do it was best for business, and eventually they all agreed to let it go down the way Jericho wanted. Hogan would later approach him and applauded his standing up for himself and the good business sense that he had.

-NAPALM-

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Why We Watch...

I distinctly remember the beginning of my relationship with professional wrestling. I was taking advantage of the opportunity that having a babysitter gives you. Long past my bedtime, I was sitting on the couch in my pajamas. With a tootsie pop in my mouth, I flipped the channel to Saturday Night's Main Event. I saw Hulk Hogan and Randy "Macho Man" Savage and it was as if He-Man had become real. The fuse was ignited that night that would eventually make the MegaPowers explode at that year's WrestleMania. During a match with the Twin Towers, Savage was tossed violently into Elizabeth. Hogan went to the back to help her, leaving Savage alone to face Akeem and the Bossman. I thought back then that if I only had a few minutes with Hogan and Savage I could help them squash their beef. Twenty years later, I still feel that way.


Sooner than later I found the National Wrestling Alliance/World Championship Wrestling on TV. I remember being amazed watching an I Quit match between Terry Funk and Ric Flair on free TV at the Clash of the Champions.

I loved the main events, but I always had an eye towards the midcard. It always seemed to be the case that I would find a cool heel to enjoy just up until they turned him babyface and the whole world loved him. Examples of this were Shawn Michaels and The Rock. About the only heel that didn't lose something when he became top mainstream babyface was John Cena, and that's cause half the fans still hated him always.

There is something special about feeling ownership of a wrestler, and I'd argue that that is why we watch. Remembering Bret Hart's days in the Hart Foundation or Steve Austin's days in the Dangerous Alliance make it that much sweeter when they meet as major stars at WrestleMania 13.

Today I look at Shelton Benjamin and Elijah Burke with the same anticipation I have previously looked at Brian Pillman, Randy Orton, Buff Bagwell, and Droz with. Of course sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't.

Still, it's hard not to be cynical when you can think fondly on the old days and imagine Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Randy Savage, Sting, The Ultimate Warrior, Rick Rude, Vader, Jake Roberts, Arn Anderson, Ted Dibiase, and others at their peak.

It's also difficult to remember tag teams like Demolition, the Road Warriors, The Rockers, Doom, The Skyscrapers, the Midnight Express, and so many more and not long for them.

Even the days when WCCW, USWA, or GWF would come on ESPN on Wednesday afternoons bring some nostalgia.

By comparison when you compare today's wrestling atmosphere to all the memories of the past 20 years, it just doesn't compare. Still, we watch…

We watch because we are waiting for the next big breakthrough. Will it be Mr. Kennedy? Will it be Jeff Hardy? Only time will tell.

We watch because some of those larger than life characters we remember are still around like the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels, and they have been intertwined with those we've learned to care about in the meantime like Edge, Triple H, and Rey Mysterio.

We watch because even though we aren't likely to see a big interesting defection the way we did during the old WCW/WWE days, we can still mark out months after waiting for Chris Jericho to return on TV, because that moment when he does will undoubtedly be incredible.

We watch because Cody Rhodes and DH Hart keep us grounded and remind us where we came from. We watch because new generation stars like AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels show us where we are going.

We watch because every week Jay Lethal or Santino Marella is going to do that little something extra that makes us smile.

No matter how disillusioned we get with what wrestling is and no matter how much better we think it could be, we watch.

Now I am certainly not going to sit in any bleachers and cry that it's still real to me, damnit. I am not sure that it ever was real to me. It was larger than life.

A few weeks ago I sat at a local Indy show in the bleachers about to cry because the first half of the show was incredibly bad. It picked up though, and by the end I felt I had gotten my money's worth.

In a time where the most newsworthy wrestling happenings involved Candice Michelle falling on her face, I struggle to write, but I refuse to just dump on the product.

Is it easy to come up with anti-WWE and anti-TNA banter? Of course. Right now I probably like wrestling less than I have at any point in the past 20 years, but still I watch.

Professional wrestling seems to have cast a weird spell over thousands. It's one that those who aren't under will never understand. Those of use who are don't even get it sometimes.

Maybe I will never get the wrestling show I wish for until I get to heaven. I assume that at 25 years old, by the time I get there all my favorites will be there with me.

Rest In Peace to all the former warriors of the squared circle. Your contributions are why we are here today. You are fondly remembered and greatly missed.

The Outcast, the Legend, the Wolf is back for another opinionated commentary:

When I first read the teaser to your current column, I thought that Vince had fired the fans again, but then I wondered, how can you fire someone that you haven't paid, have constantly berated for being wrong, whom you've constantly given one thing when they've been asking for something completely different, who have seen your ass more times than they've seen Jenna Haze's (and seeing as most of the core fans are teenage boys with internet service, that's a lot of times!) and with everything that you've done they keep coming back for more as if the cookies on this side of the fence are better.

But since the column isn't about US getting fired, I'll talk about the guys that you mention while I keep checking the mail box for that check from Vince (hell, with all the ideas that he's stolen from the internet, I'm shocked that he hasn't sent out a check, and that he keeps shutting down e-feds. they're a gold mine to him!)

Seeing Teddy Hart get the axe is SOOOOOOOOOOO Shocking to me (did I lay on the sarcasm enough? Ya think so? Ok, moving on) why do people keep signing this guy? (quick check on the last name and ok, I guess we know!) Ya think if Kid Kash were Kid Hart that he'd get that many chances? Exactly. I say, let the guy rot in the independents until he gets his desire, energy, and a respect for the business that he is riding the coattails of. If he ever grows up and stops using his name as a springboard then things might turn up better. If he does not, then he'll be the worst Hart ever (Including Bruce. C'mon, he might have been all right in the ring, but he had the personality of a cheese-it!).

To Ryan O'Reilly and Krissy Vaine I have this to say: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! You two are the dumbest mutha f*ckas on the planet! You wait until you get called up to leave the company? If you two are really in love, suck it up (once again this is a FAMILY show, so minds out of the gutter) and deal with it. You obviously don't care about the business if you are ready to leave the biggest company around so that you can be close to each other. Hell, one Sunday a month you'll be in the same building, and that right there is more than I see my wife sometimes AND WE LIVE TOGETHER! Go to TNA where you'll be two more people who don't get any face time and wonder why you chose love over the passion for the business that brought you both together. See what happens if you two don't last. You won't get another chance that easily!

As far as Daivari is concerned, the guy lasted longer than I ever expected one they bailed out on the whole Hassan thing (although if they put them on Raw and run with it, they would've been KILLER heels) he had a decent run, made what I'm sure is a decent amount of money and I'm sure had a blast for the most part living his dream (unlike Hollywood Hassan who seemed to only want fame!) Good Luck to him, although he'll need a little bit of a gimmick change.

Now for the release you've all been waiting for me to comment on, King BOOKA And Queen Sharmell! For someone who gave everything he had for the last zillion years or so, did everything that he was asked since he's been apart of the WWEmpire, they treated him like crap the entire time, and he didn't deserve it! Should he get a title run on his way out of the door? No, but a nice send off would be better than "The WWE has come to terms with..." It's insulting to him and anyone who is a fan of his. But then again, something tells me that if Shane pissed off Vince enough (We all know that Steph couldn't possibly piss him off, so it'll have to be Shane) then the only thing we'd see is "The WWE has come to terms with the contractual release of one Shane O' Mac. We wish him well in all future endeavors." All kidding aside, if Book wasn't so closely linked to WCW his send off would be much more celebrated, no matter what. Just look at how many times Hogan's gotten the warm send off, and Vince HATES him now! Not that Book was ever at Hogan or Flair levels, but you get the idea. All in all, I hope that TNA gives him a short, midcard send off for a couple of months, and he beats someone like Christian Cage or Scott Steiner in his "final" "big two/three/four" match.

Then again, knowing TNA, they'll sign him and (Points thumbs at himself) R...V...D! And recreate the most misused and misguided tag teams in the history of wrestling. RVD and Booker should've never been a team. That's almost as dumb as X-Pac and Kane!

I agree Wolf. X-Pac and Kane were a horrible tag team. Here, watch the greatest tag team of all time in the match that made me a wrestling fan.





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How Sweet is This?

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The Cyclical Wrestling Business

So two weeks ago I asked what it is that even makes a superstar? One week ago I talked about professionally wrestling's surprisingly deep free agent market. I got some great responses on a free agent roster that I will share a bit later, but first I want to talk about the cyclical nature of wrestling, because it's an argument that I have heard 1000 times that I am just not buying.

Months ago, Linda McMahon stated that professional wrestling was about to reach another boom period. So what creates these cycles?

Well, the first is simply talent. In the 1980's, Vince McMahon purchased the best superstars from every territory to create his national brand. The chance to see the best of the best from around the world together in something other than a Pro Wrestling Illustrated magazine was undoubtedly exciting, and Vince was printing money.

However, Vince seemed to forget something very important along the way. His business is with human beings. Human beings grow older. Human beings have wants and needs. Pretty soon the early nineties appeared, and many of those from the Rock N' Wrestling Generation had retired. Ted Turner purchased those remaining, much the way they were purchased by Vince a decade earlier.

In the meantime, Vince hadn't created any new stars. He had latched his wagon onto workhorses like Hulk Hogan and let them take him as far as they could pull. So when Hogan was gone, Vince had to turn to Bret Hart and Lex Luger to pull the weight. The results were less than thrilling.

In time, Razor Ramon, Diesel, and Shawn Michaels separated themselves from the pack as special talents. Ramon and Diesel were then lured away by the almighty dollar as well, but luckily for Vince, he had recently acquired the underappreciated former WCW talent Steve Austin, and there was a third generation superstar on the horizon.

Initially Vince stuck with his tired formula. The third generation superstar was called Rocky Miavia, and pushed down the throats of fans as an undeniable babyface. Austin was given the gimmick of the Ringmaster and the Million Dollar Belt to boot. Nothing was going to change ratings until Vince McMahon changed his philosophy.

A rumbling was taking place that would shake the core of professional wrestling. Paul Heyman took a group of WWE and WCW rejects, matched them up with guys no one had ever heard of, and created one of the most exciting products in wrestling history. When the cult following started to become a mainstream fanfare, Vince had the answer.

WWE Attitude took the audience back from WCW and created the second significant wrestling boom of the past 30 years. Much like when Vince McMahon had put all his eggs into Hogan's basket in the 80's, he was going to milk Attitude for all it was worth as the late nineties rolled into the new millennium.

If the Attitude Era were a large plentiful orange in 1997, WWE was still squeezing the hell out of it in 2006 in order to quench the fans thirst. Then one day, Vince woke up and looked at the talent around him. Steve Austin had retired. The Rock had left to go do movies. Mick Foley was not going to be flying off any cages. Instead a new crop of talent surrounded him. Bobby Lashley, Ken Kennedy, Umaga…

Vince decided the first thing to do was release Scotty 2 Hotty. After all, nothing screamed hanging on to 1997 like this guy still doing the Too Cool dance and the worm ten years later.

It was time to shake off a half decade of bad investments. Since the WWF became the WWE, Vince and company have put a great deal of time and money into guys that simply didn't pan out. The emergence of the NWO in the WWE didn't work because of injuries to Kevin Nash and the conduct of Scott Hall. Hulkamania was reignited, but only long enough to give him some big wins over guys like Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and Randy Orton, only to see him disappear again with no real benefit to the company.

For a full year Vince pushed Brock Lesnar on Smackdown and Goldberg on Raw. By the time their dream match was scheduled at Wrestlemania, both had decided that they were done with the WWE, and a retired Steve Austin got the rub from stunning them both on their departure.

WWE chose to let go of the Dudley Boyz. While their routine was admittedly tired, shouldn't they have put someone over on their way out for the future viability of the tag division? What about Christian and Chris Jericho? These guys were in the title picture at Summerslam and then gone before the Royal Rumble.

One can't miss prospect that WWE was looking to was Muhammed Hassan. After the time they put into making Hassan a true contender, he was drafted to Smackdown and then had to be removed from TV for a controversial angle.

It wasn't just the men's department where WWE was hurting. In a short period they lost three of their most established divas as well when Stacy Keibler, Trish Stratus, and Lita all said goodbye.

Just last year The Big Show quit after a lengthy run as ECW champion and a main event program with Degeneration X.

All of these releases as individual instances are not a big deal. All of them together, however, are pretty significant. Figure into that the deaths of Owen Hart and Eddie Guerrero, and you have a recipe for disaster.

It's actually quite impressive that WWE is doing as well as they are right now. With Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and the Undertaker as the corporate backbone, WWE was able to develop John Cena, Batista, Randy Orton, and more into this new crop of superstars.

However, just when things were looking up, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and the Undertaker go down to injuries. Following suit are Rey Mysterio, King Booker, and Ken Kennedy. Rob Van Dam leaves the company. Chris Benoit kills himself. Edge gets hurt. Bobby Lashley gets hurt. Then after Triple H, Mysterio, and the Undertaker come back, 10-12 superstars get Wellness-related suspensions. When those guys on the Wellness suspensions return, John Cena tears his pectoral muscle.

So John Cena is injured and smarks around the world are rejoicing as if the war in Iraq were finally over. I for one don't see the upside.

Say what you will about John Cena, and wrestling sites have about said it all ad nauseam, but John Cena has proven to be something special. His name on the marquee draws crowds, his image on cotton sells t-shirts, his persona both live and on television stays over, and his programs with Edge, Randy Orton, Triple H, Umaga, and others make for damn good wrestling television.

So what do people have to say about the heir-apparent to the WWE throne? He's no Hulk Hogan. He's no Steve Austin. He's no Rock. You know what? That's completely true.

Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin, and The Rock are arguably the three biggest stars in the history of professional wrestling. John Cena has commonalities with all three men, but he certainly is not able to fill their shoes.

Like the Rock, Cena came into the WWE as a bluechipper. Fans didn't accept his babyface character, and he was quickly pushed into being a heel and developed his own personality. Like Steve Austin, John Cena became an ass-kicking anti hero, as his foul mouth and controversial actions only endeared him more to the WWE crowd. Like Hulk Hogan, he captured the imagination of children everywhere and became an almost unstoppable force.

What the Rock, Steve Austin, and Hulk Hogan had going for them is that they were allowed to be themselves with the volume turned way up. What John Cena has working against him is that he is expected to be some type of amalgamation of those who came before him.

When Randy Orton was kicked out of Evolution shortly after winning the WWE title, he suffered a similar fate. For months, Orton had developed his cocky legend killer character to the point that fans began to like it. When the time came to pull the trigger on Orton's inevitable babyface run, they placed him on the stage and gave him a Rock-esque promo to cut. It didn't work. Why? Well for starters, Randy Orton is not the Rock. He is Randy Orton.

When The Rock finally turned babyface, he did not magically turn into a new generation Hulk Hogan. He stayed true to who he was, and the fans ate that up. This was the character that fans had grown to love. No one wanted to hear The Rock telling us to train, say our prayers, and eat our vitamins.

The more over John Cena's rap character became, the more he got pushed in a direction where he had to fit a mold that was created before him. Cena has since abandoned the throwback jerseys, locks, and chains that brought him to the dance and has adopted the persona of being "The Marine," a role that was initially intended for Steve Austin.

When given mic time, Cena is rarely ever the brash arrogant kid we grew to love. He is often simply too goofy to be taken seriously. It's strange how the Rock can call Umaga a shriveled up monkey penis and it works, but when John Cena calls the Big Show poopy pants it doesn't. It's the same type of sophomoric humor, but it just rolls off The Rock's tongue more naturally.

Then again, I was 14 when I loved hearing the Rock say those things. I am now 24, and I would hope my sense of humor has evolved. Still, when the Rock makes his occasional appearance, I expect this from him and welcome it. When I see John Cena, I would prefer not to see a subpar rehash of places I have already been.

John Cena has had some fantastic matches in his career. Of course Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Edge, and Shawn Michaels had the ability to make anyone look like a million bucks, but Cena's recent Summerslam effort against Randy Orton should also serve to silence a lot of critics.

Cena's reputation as a hard worker is well documented. Often I think the criticism he gets for no-selling moves and having a tired predicatable offense is unwarranted, because I believe this is what he is instructed to do by the WWE higher-ups. If Vince McMahon wanted Cena to deliver a consistently better and more diverse in-ring product, I am sure he could step to the plate.

Case and Point: John Cena's injury is not a positive for professional wrestling. It is very much a negative. What Linda McMahon predicted to be a "boom" period for professional wrestling has become a period where the product is really suffering. Those who have enjoyed the most success due to circumstance thus far? The Great Khali and Hornswaggle. There is something wrong with that picture.

Every move that WWE makes right now is critical. Every signing, every release and every push is essential to sustaining the momentum the company had been building over the past year. Every booking, every storyline and every angle needs to be carefully constructed to maintain the relationships with fans who have tuned in over the past seven years to see people who may or may not be on their televisions due to a number of circumstances.

So in this sensitive time period that requires a great deal of focus, what is the WWE doing? A Teddy Long Viagra-induced heart attack and a Hornswaggle/Melina love story. These are two angles that take TV time, and don't build anyone with the ability to draw a dime or even result in a match.

They are building Santino Marella into one of the most interesting superstars on Raw. The problem? On the way there, they are going to further devalue their most underrated talent in Val Venis. Venis has the look, the charisma, and the in-ring ability, yet he is saddled with eternal job duty. What is Marella's ultimate destiny after getting the rub from Val? That's quite simple. He will receive kick-wham-stunner from an inactive Steve Austin. How does this elevate a new superstar? It doesn't.

Triple H gets to destroy Umaga, Carlito, Cade, and Murdoch. Who's next? Well most likely with Cena getting hurt, Orton will be thrown into this match at the pay-per-view and it will be made for the vacant WWE title. It is likely good ole' Trips will bury Orton too on the way to another long meaningless title run, and heck, while he has the belt, let him destroy Ken Kennedy too. What's the point of having something new to look forward to? Right WWE?

Speaking of something new to look forward to, how about Cody Rhodes. Oh yeah, that's right. He is jobbing to Bob Holly. The fans have never accepted Holly as more than a weak midcarder, so Rhodes losing to him on a weekly basis is especially damaging. You think Cody would get a better deal because of his daddy. I guess this is supposed to end with Rhodes earning Holly's respect. Whoopdee shit. I'd rather see Rhodes spit in his face and ask him why in the 15 years he's been in the WWE he hasn't had any real success. Then ask him why he's still going around calling himself Hardcore. In the last WWE Smackdown vs. Raw game, Lawler exclaims, "1998 called, they want their word back." Amen.

Even when Brock Lesnar legit injured Bob Holly, his return to get revenge garnered him no fan support. I am happy Holly beat his terrible staph infection, but that doesn't make him any less boring. Bob Holly never was a star and never will be one. I wish that WWE would wish him the best on his future endeavors, or throw him back on ECW where nothing matters anyways.

If those viral marketing promos are actually for Chris Jericho and not for the new and improved WWE.com featuring old school pics of Dusty Rhodes' valet Sweet Sapphire, wrestling fans around the world need to realize something. I said last week that no one man is going to save the WWE. I take that back. There actually is one guy that has that power. His name is Vince McMahon.

It is up to Vince McMahon and the WWE creative team to build intriguing storylines that make sense, attract viewers, and lead to an even bigger payoff. Until they get that process down, even a returning Chris Jericho is likely to be nothing to get excited about. In fact, he's just another guy for Triple H to run over while we all wait patiently for wrestling's next big boom period.

Chris O offered up his 30 man roster alternative to the WWE

World Championship Division
Sabu
CW Anderson
Rob Van Dam
The Sandman
Steve Corino
Bryan Danielson
Brent Albright
Marcus Cor Von
The Human Tornado

Lightweight Championship Division
Too Cold Scorpio
Austin Starr
Sean Waltman
Jushin Liger
Mistico
TAKA Michinoku
Ultimo Dragon
Matt Bentley
Jack Evans

Tag Team Championship Division
Kings of Wrestling: Chris Hero and Claudio Castagnoli
Jay Briscoe and Mark Briscoe
Joey Mercury and Christian York
The Mexicools: Psicosis and Juventud Guerrera
The Naturals: Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas
Cryme Tyme: JTG and Shad

My fed's roster kinda resembles the original ECW. In the World Title Division there are Originals such as Sabu, Sandman, and RVD. I have guys with technical prowess such as Danielson and Albright. I have a monster in Cor Von, and have Anderson and Tornado in there as heavyweight jobbers. My lightweights are stacked and should provide exciting matches like lightweights in the old ECW. My tag team division is a mix of indy teams like the Kings of Wrestling and the Briscoes, and ex-WWE or TNA teams like Cryme Tyme and the Naturals. If Heyman booked for this fed, it would be able to create a cult following. While it probably wouldn't compete with WWE, it can still be popular on a national stage.

Stephen Straka also gave his 30 man roster
A roster of 30 based on the free agents? Hoo boy.

The first thing I'm gonna do is divide the 30 into groups. 10 slots will be set aside for 5 established tag teams. 6 slots will be for the "devlopers", the type of guys you see winning tons on Heat but jobbing almost everywhere else. Hacksaw and Val Venis for example. Their primary role is to both test the incoming rookies and take under their wings the signed contract that still need some freshening up on the B-show. 1 of the tag team slots will be for this purpose as well. 7 slots will be for the upper-card wrestlers while 7 will be for an X-division.

Tag teams:
- La Resistence; I personally liked their gimmick and they're able to draw heat better than a lot of heels.
- Briscoe Bros.; duh. The only proviso is that they dress up as Mario and Luigi during Halloween episodes. Why? Why not?
- Cryme Tyme; sadly, I never got to see them in any matches aside from squashes but their skits are good for comedy value. Probably most liekly to be the B-show team but again, I haven't seen enough of them to tell.
- Basham Bros.; whatever you're gonna call them, they can be great in the ring if you let them be. Unfortunately, they were used as enforcers, which is never good for your in-ring work.
- Gymini is your "big" team.

Developers:
- Scotty! Even though he's at the tail end of his career, the fans still love the worm and I can see him tearing up the B-show in my promotion.
- Ace Steel; again, getting along in years but still more than capable of main-eventing the B-show. He can also double as a trainer/manager for someone who has a boxing/MMA gimmick given his training ofthe Second City Saints.
- Eugene; it's sad that he never got a chance outside the retard gimmick. I'd probably let him go back to being Mr. Wrestling and make him the heel developer.
-

X-Division:
- Essa Rios!
- TAKA Michinoku!
- Human Tornado!
- Ultimo Dragon!
- Jushin "Thuder" Liger!
- Yuji Nagata!
- Zach Gowen!
In case you haven't figured it out, this will probably be the equivilent of WCW's cruiserweight scene. Lower in the card and don't expect much for English promos but damn if the matches aren't gonna be exciting! Human Tornado gets to be Ken Masters for Halloween. SHOOOORYUKEN!

Upper card:
- Bryan Danielson; DUH
- RVD; ALSO DUH. Robbie V can also do double-duty in the X-division if there's injury or he's not doing anything.
- Mistico; can also slide into the X-division if neccessary
- Big Show and
- Giant Bernard are your monster heels. They can also do double-duty as a monster heel tag team if neccessary.
- Sylvester Terkay; is most likely to have Ace Steel as his trainer/manager
- Brent Albright and
- Monty Brown to round things out

Ideally my promotion would have a Raw/Heat deal with the A and B-shows. The A-show would be two ohurs long so as to give everyone enough exposure.

Karl Belanger checked in with this note on Pierre-Carl Ouellet
Just a quick note on Pierre-Carl Ouellet. He is now a color commentator for the TNA shows on RDS (Quebec's equivalent to ESPN or TSN). He's actually not too bad and way more tolereable than Lawler.

Last week, to my surprise, there was actually a 3 way match shown with him, Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles on the TNA broadcast that took place in Ottawa (not shown on TNA's regular boradcast obviously). He still looks great despite his age and can still work a crowd quite well. I always really liked him in the Quebecers and was always amazed at how well he could move for a big man. WWE wants their version of Samoa Joe? He'd be the perfect guy (much more so than Umaga I feel).

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What It Takes To Be A Superstar

For has long as I have been watching professional wrestling, big men with big personalities have dominated sports entertainment.

Occasionally, a unique talent will come through and break the mold. When a man like Dusty Rhodes, Mick Foley, or Rey Mysterio leaves the ring with a World Heavyweight Championship, the fattest, ugliest, and shortest guys find themselves believing that they too could one day realize their wildest dreams.

Now it is undoubtable that Rhodes, Foley, and Mysterio brought their own unique blend of talent and charisma to the ring, and they are all three undoubtedly deserving of their successes. They have shown the world that there is no blueprint to being a professional wrestling World Champion.

Just when we believe that, Vince McMahon puts his foot down and reminds us: professional wrestlers are supposed to be larger than life. In a similar vein to anyone who is a fan of professional wrestling, Vince McMahon views his product and finds certain individuals, which he marks for. In the almost 25 years that McMahon has been in charge of WWE, he seems to have come to a conclusion that the in-ring product itself is not the determining factor in what makes a superstar.

It wasn't always like this however. Superstar Billy Graham, Hulk Hogan, Lex Luger, and others can be credited with the current emphasis on the human body in professional wrestling.

Obviously current WWE superstars feel the pressure, as recently 10 men have been suspended for their association with Signature Pharmacy.

Following the death of Eddie Guerrero, WWE appeared to be taking their Wellness Policy much more seriously.

When Chris Masters arrived on the scene in the WWE, it appeared that the world would be handed to him on a silver platter. The Masterpiece was very reminiscent of Luger in his Narcissist character, and he appeared destined for superstardom based on his tremendous size and serviceable charisma. Masters may indeed have been the future of the business.

That is until the WWE exercised a new Wellness Policy, and Master's push vanished along with his muscles. Masters returned "leaner and meaner," but to folks at home he looked more like a "wiener." WWE had the option of restarting Masters right where he left off. Instead, they gave him a series of losses to Super Crazy. Master's career has been ill fated ever since, as mere technicalities with Ron Simmons and a soldier in Iraq are all that have kept any legitimacy to his "Masterlock Challenge."

Masters became a tool in the building of one of the men that Vince views as a real superstar, Bobby Lashley.

Why do you put anything over for two years to simply toss it aside with no feud, no payoff, nothing. Chris Masters' identity was lost as an accessory of a storyline he is not even involved in.

What does this say to Masters? Well, the answer is apparent, as "The Masterpiece" bulked back up rather quickly. How does this enforce wellness?

At Unforgiven, WWE continued down the path of hypocrisy. Now, I am not trying to insinuate that any of the winners at the most recent PPV are currently on the gas, but it is undeniable that John Cena and Batista are two wrestlers without a lot of technical ability and a whole lot of muscle.

Now the last time that WWE went through a steroid trial, the belt was immediately put on the technically sound, not-so-large Bret "Hitman" Hart. Who in the WWE thinks that Batista is a good figurehead in light of the current scrutiny?

The WWE has no shortage of athletic looking guys. Shelton Benjamin and Elijah Burke are two that uphold the legitimacy of what a pro wrestler should be without carrying an extra 50-100 pounds of unneeded muscle mass. What do they get for it? They get to be jobbers on their respective programs.

Burke got a chance to be a part of the Unforgiven Pay-Per-View, jerking the curtain along with "Straight Edge Superstar" CM Punk. In light of recent goings-on, you'd think these guys would really get a chance to shine. Instead, they are just an afterthought.

Now why aren't agility, technical skill, and charisma elevating these men to the same places that Batista's muscles have taken him? Why isn't a healthy athletic look celebrated, and the body builder look discouraged?

As Batista begins his third title run and Cena begins his second calendar year as WWE champion, it almost makes you wonder where the Ric Flair's and Bret Hart's have gone…

It seems today that only things that Vince cares about are the preservation of sports entertainment, the downplaying of wrestling in his product, and the creation of these beefed-up moneymaking megastars.

The WWE has the ability to do whatever they want at their leisure, until fans show them their decisions are incorrect by tuning out. All of us who disagree with the current product, regardless of the reason, are in Vince McMahon's back pocket.

We are the one's blogging, buying DVDs, and we will be watching "Raw" this Monday and purchasing Pay-Per-View's regardless. Vince is trying to appeal to the ones he hasn't already hooked, and he knows that first and foremost.

As a fan, I believe there is a place for the Undertaker's, John Cena's, Batista's, Big Show's, Hulk Hogan's, Ultimate Warrior's and other larger than life superstars. However, there is room for a great deal more. I am not calling for a drastic change. I would just like to see the wrestling put back into World Wrestling Entertainment.

I touched on WWE's reluctance to push guys who are not extremely large. I suggested how this sends the wrong message, and is a huge contributing factor as to why seemingly can't miss guys like Ken Kennedy, Umaga, John Morrison, King Booker, and others are sitting on the sidelines serving Wellness related suspensions.

Reader Rick Helley wrote in to suggest some other ways WWE could possibly improve the product while ensuring the safety and long-term health of their workers:

"The WWE could become a better alternative to its current incarnation if it banned chair shots, and other sorts of trauma, to the head. I remember Eddie Guerrero's final match, on SmackDown, when he took a wicked chair shot to the head from Mr. Kennedy. Although the cause of Eddie's death was ruled a heart attack, I cannot help but think that that nasty chair shot might have precipitated or hastened his demise.

And now, it's been learned that Chris Benoit, at 40, had brain damage comparable to an 85-year-old man with Alzheimer's disease. I know a great deal about Alzheimer's and dementia; and if Benoit did, in fact, suffer from dementia, then he was in a desperately bad mental condition. Every time I saw Benoit perform his flying head-butt off the top rope -- and plough head-first onto the mat in some cases -- I wondered what all that trauma must have been doing to his brain. And now we know -- as well as the horrible consequences.

I cringe every time I see chair shots and head bumps, and always have, long before the deaths of Guerrero and Benoit. I don't need to see such useless and risky nonsense in order to be entertained.

Some of the most exciting wrestling matches I ever saw were the televised National Wrestling Alliance matches from the San Francisco Cow Palace in the early 1970s, featuring such greats as Ray Stevens, Pat Patterson, Peter Maivia, Rocky Johnson, Pepper Gomez, and Stan Stasiak. These guys put on fantastic matches and exhibited pure professional wrestling skills superior to most of what I see today -- with nary a chair shot or a flying head-butt.

In the wake of the Chris Benoit tragedy, I hope that WWE will come to its senses, and ban chair shots and other moves that induce head trauma -- and tragedy afterwards. In that way, WWE will become a better and more entertaining alternative to itself -- and a safer alternative for its hard-working wrestlers. And maybe, when wrestlers pass away, their obituaries will indicate that they died in their 80s instead of their 30s and 40s."

Thanks for the feedback Rick. Here is a classic match from the 1970's, just for you:


More on This Story...

A Mixed Message

What defines a wrestling superstar?

In my earliest days as a wrestling fan, I idolized Sting and Hulk Hogan. There's no denying that these are two larger than life personalities with larger than life bodies. Does an impressive physique equal superstar potential? Not necessarily, but don't tell Vince McMahon that.

I've always thought that anyone with the right talent and/or charisma, pushed properly, can be a huge star. Look at Dusty Rhodes, Mick Foley or even Rey Mysterio. Note that I said the right talent and/or charisma. This doesn't mean every fat dude or luchador can be a superstar.

This brings me back to my original point. Now, the WWE is saying they don't want their superstars on any illegal substances, yet they still want their talent to look like bodybuilders. Plus, new talent has to pass a drug test to get signed. That's tough. Who are they going to sign? Isn't this the same company that depushed a returning Chris Masters after suspending him for being on steroids?

I can't understand wanting their wrestlers to look like athletes. Elijah Burke looks like an athlete.

I'm confused why they won't let the talent get over based on their own merits. Look at the two biggest stars of the past ten years: Steve Austin and The Rock. These two guys got over almost on accident. Why not let some natural progressions happen? The only talent I've seen them let get over on their own is CM Punk. They've changed Cena so much since they've made him a top guy. Why not let some of these guys bring their own personality to the table and see what happens? More on This Story...

Nick Hogan Injured in Car Accident

Nick Hogan has been injured badly in a car accident. According to his Wikipedia page, it was not during a session of drifting, which he took part in in an episode of Hogan Knows Best. The linked news story states "Preliminary investigation indicates the car was traveling at a high rate of speed" and hit a palm tree.

-NAPALM- More on This Story...

Those Tasteless McMahons

As far as being tasteless, sometimes I think WWE gets a bum rap for trying to do things that every other major media outlet is doing.

Maybe it's because they marketed their product so hard to kids in the 80's. Maybe it's because they are seen as a lesser form of entertainment. However, TV shows and movies deal with the concept of a character dying all the time, with no backlash. Would the "Sopranos" be suddenly seen as tasteless if their Key Grip guy died?

The problem with the Vince McMahon death angle is not that it's tasteless. It's that it's uninteresting, which is a shame considering they just killed off an incredibly OVER character who has been the focal point of the show for the past ten years.

The reason it is uninteresting is because fans smell the shit they are about to be fed from a mile away. An angle like this deserves a huge payoff, but WWE has no aces up its sleeve.

Remember when The Undertaker was answering to a higher power? Fans speculated that it might be Jake Roberts, Ted Dibiase or even that possibly Owen Hart's death was untrue and he could be the higher power. Instead, we got Vince McMahon.

What about when Stone Cold was run down in the parking lot? Logical sense pointed directly to The Rock. Having Austin VS. a fresh Heel Rock and the Angle/HHH/Stephanie love triangle going on simultaneously could have propelled WWE to new heights. Instead, WWE didn't want to lose The Rock's T-Shirt revenue, so Rikishi was found to be the one driving the car. Rikishi? Please...

How can anyone forget about the WCW "Who was driving the hummer?" angle. Oh, what's that? You forgot? Well, it's probably because they never answered the question. I am just going to assume that whoever they found that blew up this limo was also driving that hummer. I am hoping it is Kenny Dykstra, because he wouldn't have even had a Driver's License then.

Professional wrestling has a history of ending these storylines in the most uninteresting way possible. Not to mention that Triple H was lifted in a car in a crane and dropped 40 feet, and came back to wrestle a week later in what Jim Ross described as "a miracle." The true miracle was that no charges were pressed against Steve Austin who had obviously attempted to kill the man the week before. Hulk Hogan and The Giant squared off in a monster truck sumo match on the top of a building. The Giant was pushed off and came back to wrestle that night.

Wrestling fans know that WWE has about 200 ways to just shrug this off. And who are the interesting suspects? Mick Foley? Bobby Lashley? Please. About the best payoff you could muster would be Degeneration X was playing a prank that went a little overboard. Imagine the looks on HBK and HHH's face as they shrug their shoulders and say 'oops'. Then the crowd pops as they crotch chop into the night.

With the concept of an FBI investigation surrounding the case, anyone who is responsible would likely be taken off TV for some time, having to go to court and eventually jail. That will not happen however, as the suspect will be guilty without trial, and some wrestler will choose to get his revenge in the ring, rather than through federal 'pound me in the ass' prison time.

In the end, it's pretty obvious to me that Vince will have indeed faked his own death, and Stephanie will turn babyface, distraught that her dad could pull such a horrible stunt. Shane will be mad at Stephanie, distraught that his dad could raise such a horrible cunt.

If anything is worthwhile about this angle, it's that it has the wrestling world talking, something that we haven't had a chance to do much, unless it's over distaste about pulling things out of Jim Ross' ass or incessant John Cena bashing. Still, the Vince McMahon presumed death is to most fans just "WrestleCrap" waiting to happen. The most unfortunate thing about the angle is what it is doing to the talent on each brand.

The most unfortunate thing about the angle is what it is doing to the talent on each brand. Last night, WWE showed a highlight clip of Cade and Murdoch screwing the Hardys out of the tag team titles. With the brands seemingly once again divided with clear lines, Matt Hardy won't be able to show up on "Raw" to get his revenge. Oh, scratch that, he can show up on "Raw" all he wants if they win the tag titles at Vengeance. I'd rather see Dave Taylor come over and win them with Regal myself. I digress.

London and Kendrick were about as mediocre looking as could be on "Raw", wrestling the World's Greatest Tag Team. When I was predicting what would be on "Raw", saying that Bobby Lashley would squash Daivari and Umaga would squash The Sandman, I wanted to include that London and Kendrick would squash WGTT, but I left it out because I would have assumed that the actual match would at least be entertaining. It wasn't really.

If you are WGTT, why do you unleash your new gear on a night you are inevitably jobbing? Every time these guys give me something to get excited about, it turns out that there is absolutely nothing to be excited about. I can't believe that the guy that beat Triple H on "Raw" a few years back is now one half of "Raw"'s most infamous jobber tag team. Weak. It's strange how London and Kendrick came off as really being something special on "SmackDown!", and are just an afterthought on "Raw". The crowd fizzled after the team's victory. They really do seem out of place, and I'd love to see them go to "SmackDown!" or ECW.

The Sandman is also obviously out of place on "Raw", but at least he got a pop. The funny thing is, many think WWE ressurected ECW to snuff out any remaining ECW chants, by associating those letters with a vastly different product. Ironically, The Sandman probably got more ECW chants on "Raw" than the whole ECW show will get Tuesday Nights on the Sci-Fi channel. Funny how he should be in the ECW element, but he is probably more significant on another brand, as he can really bear the ECW flag when not held back by ECW.

I want to say how refreshing it was to hear the biggest pop of the night go to Mickie James. Of course, in her hometown, she had to eat the pinfall. Lame. At least it happened after the new sweet finisher of Melina, a leg-drop to split variation of the DDT. The commentators were really getting on my nerves, from Lawler's insistance that someone as boring as Paul London could be the culprit in the McMahon bombing, to the validated statement that Lashley and King Booker had never wrestled before.

It makes me want to go check their claim that Foley hadn't been in a singles match on "Raw" in seven years. What most irked me was how both of them kept calling King Booker, Booker T. "SmackDown!" did a great job in associating Booker with his new gimmick and letting us know that this wasn't just a flash in the pan thing. That helped position King Booker in a place where he could win a World Title. On "Raw", he's a contender, but the commentators can't even get his name right.

It just goes to show how clusterfucked things are, because the guys who are paid to put the stuff over can't even remember what's going on. WWE needs to stop all this flash in the pan booking, so that matches that should mean something when they happen, actually can. The fact that WWE gave away an inevitable Cena/Orton confrontation for free on "Raw" still baffles me.

Lastly, and not least, whether Stephanie is looking plump or not, I'd still hit it. Actually, I'd rather have her go down on me, that way I'd be assured that I wouldn't have to hear her talk. To make it fair, I'd return the favor. That way I can let all you readers know, exactly how "tasteless" the McMahons truly are.

More on This Story...

The Big Boom Theory

Weeks ago, I was perusing the internet for wrestling news, much as I would on any other day. This has become a part of my routine, not necessarily because I want it to be, but because the current landscape of professional wrestling demands it.

There was a time when rifling off the complete title histories of all the major WWE belts was impressive. There was a time when knowing that Goldust was Dustin Rhodes and Kama was Papa Shango without ever reading it on a dirt sheet made you impressed. However, since about 1996, you couldn't begin to consider yourself a real wrestling fan unless you could keep up with the ever-growing population of smart marks.

To be honest, there are times when I would prefer it the old way. When someone jumped to a new promotion, just the shock and surprise would be enough to make that a moment.

Not to say that Chris Jericho's debut on "Raw" wasn't one of the greatest "Raw" moments ever. I just think I would have appreciated it more if I hadn't known it was coming for months in advance. I digress.

When I was looking through the dirt sheets, I came across a statement, either by Vince or Linda McMahon stating that pro wrestling was about to reach another boom period. It almost pains me that the owners of the only real major wrestling company in the United States are so accepting of the business' cyclical nature, but what can you do?

In the 80's, Vince stood atop the world with the greatest superstars from every territory and built an unstoppable national brand. When Ted Turner bought that talent away from him, Vince created new superstars with a more edgy up-to-date attitude, and took his audience back. These are the periods that fans of today really look back on with a great deal of sentiment. Whether it's Hogan slamming Andre or Austin throwing the Rock's belt off a bridge, these are the moments you always remember and these are the superstars you will never forget.

If the Attitude Era were a large plentiful orange in 1997, WWE was squeezing the hell out of it still in 2006 in order to quench the fans' thirst. For the first time, however, they now seem like they are ready to move on. The most telling example? In my opinion: the recent release of "SmackDown!" superstar, Scotty 2 Hotty. Nothing screamed hanging on to 1997 like this guy doing the Too Cool shtick ten years later.

Since the name change (from Federation to Entertainment), WWE has put a great deal of time and money into a number of guys who wouldn't pan out. WWE's NWO was a short-lived storyline due to injuries to Kevin Nash and the conduct of Scott Hall. Hulk Hogan has been in and out enough to defeat some of the more consistent WWE superstars, but at what benefit to the company when he disappears again?

For a full year, Goldberg and Brock Lesnar were at the top of there respective brands until they both decided to leave at the same time. The Rock, the brightest star from the Attitude Era who could still compete, retired to pursue his movie career. WWE chose to let go of the Dudley Boyz, who admittedly had a tired routine, but were the only real established tag team left in the company. Chris Jericho and Christian were in the title picture at SummerSlam and then were gone before Royal Rumble.

WWE put a lot of time into establishing Muhammed Hassan, but Hassan quit after his controversial storyline on network TV called for his removal from TV. Kurt Angle, one of WWE's top guys took his release and ran to Orlando. Then WWE lost its three most established divas: Stacy Keibler, Trish Stratus and Lita. The last really big name to quit is The Big Show. Any of these releases alone, not a big deal. All of them together? Pretty significant. And no wrestling fan can fail to figure in the deaths of Owen Hart and Eddie Guerrero as well.

Looking at the names listed above and the efforts WWE has put into many of those guys over the past seven years, it's amazing they are doing as well as they are right now. Almost every single person listed was a poor investment by the company.

However WWE brushed that dirt off their shoulder, and looked to Triple H, Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker to be the workhorses while developing guys like John Cena, Batista, Randy Orton and most recently Bobby Lashley and Ken Kennedy.

However, right when Vince and company are ready for "the new boom period" in professional wrestling with this new crop of talent, the three aforementioned workhorses all go down to injury. Along with them are Rey Mysterio, King Booker, Ken Kennedy and Gregory Helms. All of this taking place while Rob Van Dam is heavily rumored to be on his way out the door.

In the aftermath, we are essentially seeing the dissolution of the brand extension, with superstars frequently crossing TV show borders. The shake up to the "Raw" brand has been astronomical, as the main storylines from the past year include DX VS. The Big Show or Rated RKO, and now none of those guys are active. John Cena has carried the weight as champion, but his number one antagonist, Edge has left to go to "SmackDown!" and carry the ball. What do wrestling fans get out of that? This past Monday's "Raw".

It's hard to be tough on WWE considering all the circumstances they are dealing with currently. Reading that the difference between a fan of wrestling and a mark is that a mark never asks questions might be a fairly accurate statement, but a fan of wrestling should also take into consideration what exactly has lead to the current product they are being fed.

So wrestling fans are forced to look at the evolution of Bobby Lashley. As Lashley prepares for his ECW World Title street fight with Mr. McMahon at One Night Stand, it's hard to forget that Lashley wasn't even originally intended for the hair VS. hair Battle of the Billionaires at WrestleMania 23. The WWE brass wanted Hogan VS. The Big Show in a recreation of Hogan's triumphant victory over Andre the Giant at WrestleMania III.

With major superstars dropping like flies around him, you would think that WWE would be nervous about putting Lashley in the ring four times in one night. What happens if Lashley suffers a similar fate? Under the circumstances, what can WWE really do?

Call me a mark, but I have to admit, I wasn't really turned off by Lashley on "Raw" this past week. His match against Chris Masters told a great story. Masters was looking for revenge because of Lashley breaking his Masterlock. I really appreciated that when Masters hooked the move, Lashley's only escape was the ropes. This was in the first match of the gauntlet, so being fatigued wasn't an excuse. It would have been okay to have Lashley, the one guy that broke the move before, break it again, but they went a different route, and Masters looked good in the match. Even in a loss, he was reestablished a bit.

Viscera is another who looked good in his match. Obviously he wasn't going to win, but he took Lashley to his limit. It was all reminiscent of Randy Savage going through the World Title tournament at WrestleMania IV. Lashley's match with Shane was great too. Shane always shows that he has the goods in the ring. So much so that I could deal if HE were the ECW champ and not his dad. The Hurricane DDT and the constant working of the back that made Lashley's powerslam ineffective were both highlights.

It almost seems that Vince has a vendetta against Brock Lesnar for leaving. It seems as though he is trying to send a message week in, week out that he could have done what he did with Brock with any man. You know Bobby Lashley is making a lot of money, and I have to think that even though Brock wasn't big on the schedule, that he second guesses himself while he's getting potato'ed in the mush by his sparring partners.

Still, while every Lashley match was decent on "Raw" this week, he is not the type of draw that makes that work. It is not the same as Triple H running the gauntlet on "SmackDown!" years ago. How do I know? Because TBS was showing "Family Guy" reruns and ION was showing "The Wonder Years", and I spent more time flipping back and forth between those shows than I did actively watching "Raw". HBK and Edge were two of the best reasons to watch the show, and with both gone, WWE needs to find a better filler than "The Bobby Lashley Variety Hour".

What was meant to be a "boom" has turned into a period where it's not so great to be a wrestling fan. It's a time where dirt sheet reports are full of injuries, surgeries and releases. It's a period where guys with poor conduct like Randy Orton, or poor workrate like Mark Henry and The Great Khali, are being rewarded by circumstance. Vince McMahon has held dynamite in his hands. Instead of the fireworks he expected, it exploded in his face. A lot of his top guys at the moment aren't getting any younger, and the ones that are still young have not had enough time to develop in the ring or maturity-wise.

Every move that WWE makes right now is critical. Every signing, every release and every push is essential to sustaining the momentum the company had been building over the past year. Every booking, every storyline and every angle needs to be carefully constructed to maintain the relationships with fans who have tuned in over the past seven years to see people who will likely not be on their televisions this summer.

What is WWE's best option? In my opinion, it is the elevation of Chris Benoit back to main event status and a lengthy, very personal feud with Edge over the World Heavyweight title. Then possibly when Triple H, The Undertaker, HBK, Ken Kennedy, Rey Mysterio and King Booker all return, we can rig the explosives right this time and kick off the next real boom period in professional wrestling.
More on This Story...

From the Vault: Lugerman

It's my birthday and I'll post what I want to... The following is a parody of Eminem's "Superman." It was originally posted on 3/28/03, the week before WrestleMania XIX which featured the last Rock/Austin showdown as well as Lesnar/Angle.

Mmmhh
You high baby?
Cause you are gonna have to be for this one
You want me to tell you somethin?
Too Bad, Listen Anyways
I know what you wanna hear...



I know you want me back
I want to come back too
I know you love me baby
I think I love you too
I'm here to save this thing
Let me back in the ring
Ratings will grow I tell you
Let my return unfurl
You know you want me baby,
You know I want you too,
They call me Lugerman,
I'm here to rescue you,
I wanna save you fans,
Here's Flexy Lexy's Plan...

They call me Lugerman
Leapfrog Flair in a single bound
I'm out of work now
Got no ring to bump in now
Cause WWA doesn't really count
In the scheme of things
Even though it's got Sting
A WWE Ring
It makes me sing
Lugerman here to say Bling Bling
You can jump on Luger's Dingaling
Shoot from the hip
Cut to the chase
I'll tell Hulk Hogan to his face
No Political Games
Based on Names
ever since I heard smarks say workrate
I'm a different man
Get on my back
I'll grab your face
You'll feel my rack
Take the forearm
Take your bumps flat
Total Package gonna whoop your ass
You won't sell, I'll make you sell
I won't sell?, Hey, oh well...
That's just swell, far as I can tell
You Job to me or GO TO HELL
Am I over enough to main event
It doesn't matter, go get bent
What you don't like hearing lexy vent
I'll get with your bitch and pitch a tent
The one thing about this rhyme
WWE signs names all the time
Saturday through Sunday Monday
This Sunday why not mine
It's Wrestlemania time
Wouldn't I be a nice suprise
I bulked up specifically to catch Vince's eye

Cause I can't be your Lugerman
Can't be your Lugerman
Can't be your Lugerman,
Can't be your Lugerman,
I can't be your Lugerman,
Can't be your Lugerman,
Can't be your Lugerman,
Your Lugerman, your Lugerman...

Don't get me wrong,
I love The Rock
It's no secret,
I want to suck his cock
Can't we fuck?
Stone Cold says what?
That's the way a good catch phrase goes,
It's not the end,
I'll be back again,
I'll go to every indy show scouts attend,
Never know what kind of shape i'll be in,
That's how I plan to get to the fed,
Vince has to want me back,
I love Triple H,
I could be in that stable with him and Naitch,
Batista disappeared without trace,
And Randy Orton is hurt,
Oh hell you put me in the place of Kurt,
I could work Brock Lesnar oh,
On the biggest stage of them all a sold out show
Wrestlmania Ten wasn't that long ago
I headlined then and jobbed to Yoko
The one thing about this rhyme
WWE signs names all the time
Saturday through Sunday Monday
This Sunday why not mine
It's Wrestlemania time
Wouldn't I be a nice suprise
I bulked up specifically to catch Vince's eye

Please Let Me Be Your Lugerman
Let me be your Lugerman
One more time your Lugerman
Your Lugerman, Your Lugerman More on This Story...

The Return of Crash TV

Vince Russo has returned to wrestling, bringing back a formula he popularized during the late 90's wrestling boom, Crash TV. Under the watchful eye of a supervisor like Vince McMahon, Russo thrived.

However his exploits since have led many to wonder exactly how much of the success of the Attitude Era can be attributed to Russo. The more power and control given to Russo without someone like McMahon to keep him in check usually meant more mind-numbing garbage for wrestling viewers to struggle through. So the question I pose is, how much "Impact" can TNA have with Vince Russo in charge?

****Warning: Spoilers Ahead****
It should have been the greatest night in TNA history up to this point. TNA was about to go prime time, and this was no reference to Elix Skipper. After four long years, this was the opportunity these guys had been waiting for. TNA was no stranger to new audiences. After making moves from Nashville to Orlando, Pay Per View to Fox Sports Net, and Fox Sports Net to Spike TV, TNA has had to reestablish their show for different audiences over and over again.

For this reason alone there was great reason to have faith in the product TNA would provide on this night, but TNA had an ace up their proverbial sleeve. In addition to their strong core of talent they had built over the past four years, they had just procured one of the most valuable talents in the wrestling business from their main competitor. TNA had signed a multi-time former world champion and olympic gold medalist, Kurt Angle, and on this night, he would make his in-ring debut.

The show begins with several of TNA's hottest home-grown commodities. LAX, AMW, and Samoa Joe highlight the beginning of the broadcast. Joe, who has been undefeated for 18 months may not look resemble the prototype of what the future of this business has been believed to be in the past, but he certainly has made a connection with fans.

Based on their styles, he is the perfect opponent for Kurt Angle. TNA recognizes this, but rather than create a slow build that ends with big money, they give it a little over a month to develop, and throw it on the Genesis Pay-Per-View, referring to it as the "Dream Match of the Decade."

It is hard to argue that Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle is one of the most highly anticipated matches of the year in either promotion. It may be the most highly anticipated match in TNA history. Still, this decade has presented such highly anticipated matches as NCAA Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Olympic Champion Kurt Angle, Best of the 90's Shawn Michaels vs. Best of the New Milennium Kurt Angle, as well as Hogan vs. The Rock and Hogan vs. Shawn Michaels.

This is not to make an argument that TNA should reference the competition (although they have proven time and time again that they love doing so) or that they shouldn't pull out all the stops to put their own product over, but still, whether casual fan or smart mark, the idea that this is the "Dream Match of the Decade" seems a bit contrived, especially with rumors of a Hogan/Austin match surfacing every so often. In reality, it's not the dream match of the decade. Angle himself has been in two bigger in the last 5 years.

In the meantime Kevin Nash is in the bathroom with Austin Starr and Alex Shelley. We later find out that Nash is naked, as he does his most tiresome promo since the dying days of WCW. Unfunny and uninteresting.

At the end of the show Nash namedrops Shawn Michaels in his promo. If only this was the only reference to HBK on the show. As Kazarian is in the process of cutting a promo about himself, Matt Bentley, and Johnny Devine, we get a very confusing TNA-tron for the Voodoo Kin Mafia, which I wrongly assume will be the name of the movement Kazarian is referring to.

Instead, it turns out to be BG James and Kip James, who are "back in black" after quitting a week earlier. It seems they are spinning their wheels as new shirts and bandanas, and a really hideous dye job to Kip's hair don't appear to be the answers to their struggling careers. It's obvious where this is going, as it doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that VKM are Vince's initials. Wrestling is famous for these types of ribs. Virgil, Ted Dibiase's slave shares his gimmick name with American Dream Dusty Rhodes' real name. Later when he moves to WCW, he is renamed Vincent. They spit the names Paul Levesque, Michael Hickenbottom, and Vince McMahon in an awkwardly forced attempt to be controversial.

Let me bring some war to Brian James Armstrong and Monty Sopp. If you are going to talk about Degeneration X, talk about their history in correct terms. Degeneration X was created while The Roadie was attempting to live off the fact that it was he who really sang, "With My Baby Tonight" and while Billy Gunn was managed by the Honky Tonk Man and billed as Rockabilly. Both men should have probably been released, but it was decided to throw them together. I give them both a lot of credit for making something out of nothing.

However, I give Vince McMahon more credit. Later, as singles wrestlers Vince again tried to make something out of nothing by pushing them both, even going so far as making Gunn a King of the Ring winner. However, his sheer athleticism which was always pushed by Jim Ross would never allow him to break through to become a bigger superstar. He remained on the WWE roster longer than most, and was repackaged all the way from a Smokin Gunn to being "The One."

At one point his theme music said he was an Ass Man, but he proved he could be even gayer with tag partner Chuck. What does he have for his long and moderately successful WWE run? A lot of bitterness. The New Age Outlaws were able to get over in WWE, and due to Shawn Michaels back injury and a returning X-Pac, they were able to get a run in Degeneration X. With a few catchy phrases and the ability to leech off of something that the fans already supported, they had a great run.

In TNA under a multitude of names, gimmicks, and storylines, they have not been able to get over. That my friends, is no fault of Vince McMahon, Paul Levesque, or Michael Hickenbottom. The angle seems amatuerish, and the unhealthy obsession of the Voodoo Kin Mafia on their more successful counterparts up in Stamford makes the whole TNA product look second rate.

Christian Cage and Rhino attempt to save the show with a fantastic, albiet overbooked, cage match. Bolt Cutters, Strait Jackets, and Chairs, Oh My! They use a fairly standard finish, used by Snuka/Muraco and Austin/McMahon. Still, it looked great. These guys are what's right about TNA right now, but the problem is, they are WWE midcarders. Don't get me wrong, I like them both. I am a huge Christian fan. Still, no matter how much I wished for him to be a World Champion over the years, when he finally got his chance, the fans lamed out and the reign went flat.

Styles, Daniels, and Sabin wrestle next. Daniels wins the X title by pinning Sabin while AJ is outside dealing with Christian Cage, who by all means shouldn't be able to even walk. Russo thinks the best thing for the X Division is turning Sabin and Styles heel apparantely. He also is fond of jobbing out Sabin.

We then go to some remote location where LAX is ready to burn the flag. They hand the blow torch to Petey, which I love, because it seemingly is them wanting to commit the dirtiest of deeds, but pass the actual responsibility off to Williams. Williams then goes on to give one of the lamest speeches I have ever heard, proving he is no Patrick Henry. Hell, he's not even "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. It will always be a concern to me what would have happened had Williams not been handed the blow torch.

Would he have had his opportunity to go all Susan Powter and stop the madness? LAX gives him the beatdown. Then, lacking any true emotion, and appearing pre-taped, Tenay gives us a monologue that was better rehearsed than most plays I have seen.

I guess you can't spell Tenay without TNA, but you should be able to find two asses to fill seats for a national primetime broadcast who are better than Tenay and West. Tenay has long been an IWC favorite because he knows the names of moves and recognizes things that have Mexican and Japanese origin, but Tenay is incapable of generating the proper amount of emotion to get anything over.

One can assume that Tenay's boring demeanor is the reason for the hiring of Don West, who can best be described as being constantly on a bender. Stop screaming at me you big fat oaf. You almost make me miss Mark Madden. Ok, that was a little harsh. What would be wrong with having Cornette and Scott Hudson in the booth. At least with them we might be able to get past the Tony Schavonie "This is the most important night in wrestling history" schpiel that Tenay seemingly picked up and passed along to West. Tenay is wrestling's smartest dose of dramamine, and West is a caffiene-infused idiot. Those who thought the two would make a great pair were sadly mistaken.

West is so idiotic, you might have thought he was booking this garbage. No, that honor is all Russo's. Number one contender Abyss vs. the debuting Kurt Angle. Some would think you have to give them props for actually giving us a finish. The finish? Put the debuting Angle over the number one contender.

Yeah Yeah, I know, it's Kurt F'N Angle. Regardless, Abyss needs to be built as a serious contender to the World Heavyweight title to help sell this pay per view on Sunday, and it's hard to believe it when he's losing on Thursday night. He didn't just lose even. He tapped out.

Ah, but wait, we still got Joe vs. Angle to anticipate, right? Wrong. We get it right here on free tv, three nights before the PPV. Joe loses credibility by teaming with Abyss to handle an already beaten and tired Kurt Angle. This is obviously to set up Sting taking out Abyss, but still... Sting chases off Abyss, as Joe hooks submission moves on a lifeless angle. Backstage, in one of the most assinine moments I have ever seen, Sting is now hanging upside down in some sort of cartoon bear trap while Abyss is gently hitting him with a baseball bat. Wow, craptastic.

On to Genesis:

Before the PPV, Robert Roode loses to Eric Young. Pre-Russo, they were going in the right direction. He was a hot free agent, with various managers courting him, a throwback to my favorite wrestler ever, "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Lance Storm had his fair share to say about TNA's shoddy booking on his website in reference to this Roode angle. He ends up choosing Traci Brooks, and since has basically become a jobber. He now has dissention with Brooks. Who cares? Roode deserves better.

VKM squashes the newly repackaged New Movement. Well, that was a waste... They use HBK and Triple H's moves. Well, whoopdee crap. This angle is horrible, and can't possibly go anywhere that gives VKM or TNA for that matter the upper hand. For those who think Vince, DX, or WWE should acknowledge this on their shows, you are crazy. WWE would generate twice the audience TNA already has for them if a third of their casual audience flipped the channel because someone chose to acknowledge them.

DX has bigger fish to fry in the form of Edge and Orton. They have no reason to worry about VKM. It would be the equivalent of being 30 and hearing that some dude you went to high school with was talking shit because you stole his girlfriend 15 years ago. Just the mere fact that DX blows it off makes them look big time compared to VKM.

Later that night, Christian Cage defeats AJ Styles, and Styles continues his heel turn. Didn't Russo attempt this with Styles last time he was there, and didn't it fail? Didn't Russo also turn Goldberg for the sake of turning Goldberg? AJ's style won't work for a heel wrestler, and I don't see them toning him down any. Him and Daniels are more interesting as rivals than enemies.

Russo is grasping at straws to present the type of product he is used to, which is face vs. heel. That will involve throwing a lot of shit at the wall til something sticks, and that could involve a lot of failed heel and face turns that seemingly make no sense.

LAX defeats AMW, but it's all for not. AMW could be tag champs, but not LAX. Cornette comes out and strips them for attempting to burn the flag and beating up Petey Williams. If they don't hand over the belts, they will be fired. If wrestling were real, LAX would say F U to TNA and take the belts up north and lay them at Vince McMahon's feet. Normally this wouldn't matter, but this is coming from a company who loves worked shoots and loves referring to the WWE constantly.

Abyss defeats Sting via DQ, but becomes TNA champion. This is such a lackluster way for someone who has been with TNA for so long and has been so deserving to win the title. This is worse than Kane winning the belt and losing it the next day. I understand that this is a TNA rule, but no one will accept a champion that wins the title under these circumstances as being a true champion ever.

Even if Abyss holds the belt for two years, we will remember that he won it because Sting got disqualified. Now, in the first PPV after the relaunch, we have two titles marginalized. Three if you count the fact that Daniels didn't actually beat former champion Styles to win the X Division belt, but won it in a three way by pinning Sabin.

Now it was time for what is supposed to redeem this show. The intrigue is somewhat lost as the match was booked immediately upon Angle's arrival to TNA, Joe has basically been turned heel, and they basically were able to go for 20 minutes on free TV three days before, showing how they would counter each other's finishers and the like.

Joe didn't pass out while in the Ankle Lock, or even get pinned in a quick roll up. He definitively tapped out to the ankle lock. What if Joe had not given up, but could not continue? I know it's Kurt Angle, but regardless, this feud should have been booked to make money. TNA's insistance on instant gratification was a huge mistake.

Now, the great thing about TNA is that you can see into their future, up to three weeks, and while attempting to spare specific details so the show remains interesting, I do want to highlight some of the Crash TV that TNA is dishing out this month.

Highlight the following if you wish to read it:

- Sting is booked as Jesus Christ, as his disqualification is the equivalent of Jesus destroying the marketplace in the church before he was crucified. He will spend the next three weeks trying to show Abyss the light.

- Christian Cage comes to the ring in full Sting gear and mask, leaving us to wonder where in the hell the Sting Gear Warehouse for Wrestlers is located, as this is like the millionth time someone has worn his exact stuff to the ring. Russo loves dressing guys up as Sting, but he's not the first.

- Eric Young wears a turkey suit. Hooray for the Gobbledy Gooker.

- Eric Young, the misfit of TNA, defeats "wrestling's hottest prospect" Robert Roode again!

- All American Boy Petey Williams and Jim Cornette sing the Star Spangled Banner together. There is a lot of junk about flags to come.

- It is announced that Joe and Angle will meet again, and again it will be rushed to the next Pay Per View.

- The Voodoo Kin Mafia spends their frequent flyer miles to cut a promo in Stamford. Get over it guys, seriously.

- The first two weeks main events end in no contests. Russoriffic!

- We refer to Abyss by his real name, thus breaking kayfabe on one of the only characters in wrestling with any mystery to him. How about we take your mask off next week, Chris?

- Styles finishes turning heel, despite the fact that it will never work.

- Abyss has a shocking secret in his past, that somehow Christian knows about. I assume the bookstore he stopped at to read about Abyss' past is next to the Sting Gear Warehouse.

- Angle beats Joe again, as they face off the week before the PPV, again. Welp, no reason to buy this PPV either.

So TNA has effectively ruined some title belts, ruined some big money feuds, ruined some great babyfaces by turning them heel, and ruined some great heels by making them suck. All the action will be brought to you by your favorite commentators Don West and Mike Tenay, and everything you will see has to be coming from the mind of Vince Russo. TNA has a lot of problems right now. They certainly need a problem solver.

Oh yes, there is more crap to highlight below:


NEWS FLASH: TNA has signed Problem Solver Tyson Tomko. Somewhere, Tomko and his mom rumored to be the only two people really happy about it.

Thank you Mr. Russo for single-handedly steering TNA directly back to the minor leagues. Thank you Jeff Jarrett and Dixie Carter for allowing the return of Crash TV.

More on This Story...

From the Vault: Orton's Entitlement?

8/09/06: When Randy Orton burst onto the WWE scene years ago, I more than detested the latest OVW superstar to break through.

Randy Orton had some pretty impressive athletecism, but where does that honestly get you? Probably a couple IC title runs. At the time, it was getting Randy Orton chopped in the throat by Bob Holly.

Randy Orton got hurt, and pretty soon WWE offered a place to send you get well wishes. This was a nice throwback to when Earthquake sat on the Hulkster, and we got to wish him well. I got a sweet postcard out of that deal.

Well, I didn't feel for Randy Orton the way I felt about Hulk Hogan. So being in my smarkest smark mode, I send him about the most vile e-mail I've ever sent.

I chastized Orton for having absolutely no personality, yet taking away TV time from Val Venis and Al Snow, guys that could work both in the ring and on the stick that I felt weren't getting their due. That certainly wasn't Orton's fault, but I figured I'd let him be my scapegoat.

However, those Get Well Randy segments are what gave Randy Orton a personality and an identity. Shortly thereafter he was the Intercontinental Champion and thrust into Evolution.

At this point I have done a total 180, and looked at Orton as the future of the company. His good looks, natural charisma, and in ring abilities were sure to take him to the top, right?

Orton eventually dropped his IC title, and they attempted to pull the trigger on a Randy Orton title reign and a babyface turn...

The turn was largely unsuccessful, but it's hard to place the blame on Orton. First off, Orton took the title off of Chris Benoit, who had been an internet darling for 10 years. The IWC wanted to see Benoit with a lengthy reign. Whoever the man was to end it was not going to be popular in their eyes.

In addition, Orton's turn was too fast. Rather than a slow build of Triple H's jealousy, and the interesting character development and situations that would have/could have/should have happened while Triple H took a backseat to someone for the first time in his life were lost.

Batista dropped Orton like a sack of shit, and Orton was our new hero. But the qualities we had grown to like in Orton were gone. This wasn't the spit-in-your-face cocky young upstart that was good enough to back his attitude up...

This was Blandy Orton. So bland that his futile attempt to be The Rock included a horribly unentertaining skit where Orton showed the crowd pictures on easels up by the Titantron.

Within a week the rug was pulled from under him and the momentum was gone. Orton was a shell of former champions and a shell of his former self.

Orton worked as a babyface until it was time to meet the Undertaker, and at the time, it certainly looked as if he would be the man to break the Wrestlemania Streak.

Tired of the Undertaker's schtick, I looked forward to Orton getting the big win. I mean, yeah Foley put him over, but that seemingly comes with the territory nowadays. I'd argue that a win over Foley now doesn't really mean much of anything.

Orton was unable to one up the Undertaker, and got hurt before his inevitable program with Batista could happen.

Orton however has not reached the level of mediocrity that a failed push and two injuries normally gives a WWE superstar.

Knowing that, Orton's ego grew and grew. The office was behind Randy Orton. Randy Orton could do no wrong.

So Randy Orton shit in a diva's bag and Randy Orton smoked pot and Randy Orton was just pretty much the biggest asshole he could be, which shows why he is so successful in his role as an asshole character. The apple does not fall far from the tree.

And like Edge before him who slept with his close friend's longtime girlfriend on the way to becoming the greatest heel in the company, there would be no real punishment for Orton.

A quick suspension moved him back to Raw. Raw is undoubtedly the A show. Now Orton is locked in a program against the greatest professional wrestler of all time. You can argue about Hogan's abilities day and night, but when America thinks Pro Wrestling, America thinks of Hogan.

For whatever reason, Hogan did or didn't tear his meniscus. Maybe we will never know. We do know however that if Orton is able to RKO the Hulkster, he will be one of the very few in the last 20 plus years to obtain a victory over Hogan.

Maybe Hogan wants to be able to say on Regis and Kelly that he had a bum knee. After all, he's Hulk Hogan. He's beaten giants. Is he really slowing down so much that he can't beat Orton? He's supposed to be our hero!

Well, I for one am not 100% for wrestlers returning to put over new talent. I think it's best if they stay away all together. However if they want to pop a buyrate and bring back someone, should the automatically job?

I think we've seen what's happened with Mick Foley, and we can argue no. Up until his program with Flair, Foley's programs haven't been as interesting as they could be, because you know he is going to lose. That's his role. Much like Terry Funk, he lets those who are still wrestling get the victory. That is a good thing, until you are trying to use your name to elevate other talent. How many guys can you lose to, before it stops having meaning.

That's why Hogan is the Holy Grail. Hogan faced Shawn Michaels at last year's Summerslam, and did not put Michaels over. Michaels certainly isn't the next big thing. While he sells t-shirts and draws crowds, he is well past his prime. He can fool you on any given night however and make you think he's in his prime right now.

But the best wrestler of the 80's was not willing to be defeated by the best of the 90's, and the list of the men Hogan has allowed to defeat him has stayed relatively short.

A win for Randy Orton at Summerslam would do wonders for his career and his legend killer character, but what would it do to the WWE as a whole?

Orton has no shame in any of his past actions. He simply serves his time, pays his fines, and continues on without any remorse.

Orton has a lot of growing up to do before he is given a win over Hulk Hogan, clean or otherwise. Yes, Hogan has an ego, but he has 30 years of work that back it up.

What does Orton have right now? Not much. What may he have by fall? A victory over "The Immortal" Hulk Hogan...

So ask yourself, what is really good for business?

What makes Orton extremely talented?

I was watching a WWE blooper real on YouTube that began with him saying Eugene and Regal will meet La Resistance for the World Heavyweight Championship and ended with him botching an RKO on Chris Jericho, to which he ran off the ropes and did the damn thing again.



Orton can't play any character other than the asshole, which he's proven. He was boring when they brought him in and bland when they turned him back to being a babyface.

He was no boost to Smackdown when he was brought over, and he should have been a major star in the absence of a lot of talent. He didn't show anything.

As I said, I was a big Orton supporter, but he's a prick who really hasn't shown anything. Rob Conway could easily be in his spot right now.

Due to Orton's look and lineage, he gets many more opportunities that guys better than him would kill for, and he's lazy with them.

Orton had all the potential to be big money, but I think that opportunity has been squandered.

They can put Orton over til the cows come home, but all they will get is a Heavyweight title run for him 5 years down the road that winds up with him walking out of the company to pursue acting or getting busted for drugs...

Randy Orton is not a sound investment because he has respect only for himself. That flys on WWE TV, but shouldn't fly in the locker room. More on This Story...